I saw this in today’s newspaper and was relieved to see that I’m not the only person who feels this way. In fact I’d been planning to write an open letter to Brisbane City Council about the state of Fortitude Valley for some time, but never made the effort to sit down and write about it. But upon seeing this, I have been motivated to finally have my say:

Dear Brisbane City Council,

I live in Fortitude Valley and have done so for a number of years. I love the convenience and how close I am to everything in the inner-City. Plus I love the fact I can go out for a night on the town and it’s only a short stumble home afterwards. I don’t intend to move away from the Valley anytime soon, but there are days when I wonder why I live there when I am confronted with the worst this suburb has to offer, more often than not.

While I try to walk to work every morning, I sometimes have to catch a train which means taking the escalators from Wickham St up to Valley Metro and am constantly appalled by the state of things in such a small space. First of all, you have to avoid a close encounter with some of the Valley’s least desirable residents who take to sitting on the ground outside Cafe One, yelling at each other and in some cases, getting into fist fights and dealing drugs. Then you have to deal with the escalators which do not work 99% of the time and are caked in filth, only to be greeted with the disgusting mess that is the walkway between McWhirters building and the Metro food court. I have literally never seen it clean. There are inches of dust and grime coating old rubbish and fast food containers. I once saw a pie that has been smeared into the wall last about a month before it was cleaned (or most likely, fell off on its own accord). Considering Fortitude Valley station is the 3^rdbusiest in Queensland, this is appalling.

Imagine being a tourist, who has taken the train to the (in)famous Fortitude Valley and that is what they see. Or if they choose to enter the Valley via the main exit they get to witness another nasty side of the Valley which is Brunswick St between the five-ways and Wickham Street. This is another area that I’ve never seen clean and always has a range of dodgy looking people hovering around, asking for change and then abusing you if you refuse. On one side of the street you have dank old cheap shops that you can smell from a mile off and haven’t been updated since the building used to be a Walton’s, facing $1 peepshows, strip joints, nightclubs and the dingy Chopstix Arcade.

The rest of the Valley ain’t much better either. Footpath’s are in a terrible state (though some have been totally replaced near our unit which was a nice surprise), the Brunswick St Mall is ridiculously outdated and the TCB arcade that was probably meant to raise the mall’s profile echoes as it’s almost completely empty. The China Town mall has been updated and looks kind of cool (if not a bit barren) but otherwsie I haven’t seen anything in the public areas of the Valley updated since I’ve lived here. Most of China Town is revolting too. How most of those restaurants haven’t been shut down for health and safety violations is beyond me. Some mornings as I walk to work, I gag on the smell emanating out of the bins sitting out on the footpath and can only imagine what the kitchen’s look like if that’s what was taken out.

I’m not saying the entire Valley needs to be cleaned up, renovated and changed. All I’m asking for is a bit of a spruce up and disciplining the daggy shops for stinking up the place so badly. Fix the shitty footpaths’s, replace the devastated street furniture, jazz up the Brunswick St mall and make shop owners fix up their shit because seeing massive holes in the overhangs of shops, many of which still bear the names of shops from 25 years ago is nasty. The Valley should retain some of its slightly derelict charm, but overall it needs some serious updating, a good scrub down and if possible, PLEASE move the drunks and druggo’s elsewhere so I don’t have to fear for my safety anytime after 8pm. It’s shouldn’t just be about the nightlife on Friday and Saturday nights, it should be a place for people to visit at any time of the day, on any day of the week. After all, those Valley markets on Saturday’s aren’t even worth a second glance these days and every other retail outlet is having a closing down sale because no one wants to spend time in the Valley any more.

Thanks in advance,

Ruby Velour
Concerned Citizen

I have noticed an infuriating trend lately: inappropriate summer clothes being worn in winter. OK OK, Brisbane doesn’t exactly get to sub-zero temperatures during winter. In fact, on average we have crisp 13° which means it’s usually still quite warm in the sun. But it’s still winter, and when the seaon changes, it’s time to change with it and start wearing some season-appropriate clothing.

The main culprit? Denim hotpants. They are still being worn by so many girls and it is just not on. The other day I saw some teenagers wearing tiny denim hotpants (which I hate on principle, especially on underage kids) with jumpers and were very visibly freezing their arses off, because they were covered in goosebumps and hugging themselves in the cold wind. Girls, when it’s cold enough to put on a jumper an scarf, it’s cold enough to wear some real pants. Hot pants are to help you cool down in the heat by minimising how much skin is covered up. They are strictly a summer-only item of clothing. As I’ve already admitted, I am opposed to denim hot pants in general, I think they usually look tacky and are just fucking ugly a a whole. But I appeciate how good they must be to wear in summer whe I’m sweating half to death in my leggings/skirt combinations because I am too shy to show off much legs. But as soon as you decide to wear them out in public during the colder months, you’re basically shouting to the world “Hey, look at my nice legs, I am determined to show them off to everyone because I want attention at all times, even if it means dying of hypothermia for it”. T. A. C. K. Y. Don’t even get me started on the girls who war ugg boots with their shorts. if it’s cold enough or ugg boots, then it’s time to ditch the skimpy butt-coverings FOR GODSAKE.

Then there are those obnoxious tops that have long sleeves and random cut outs everywhere. Is anyone a bit done wth them? I am, especialy because it reminds me of the days of those dreadful one-sleeved shirts from my nightmares. Having a long sleeved top implies the wearer needs to cover up to maintain a certain level of body warmth. By removing random areas of fabric, you’re causing the long-sleeved shirt to lose effectiveness and basically render it useless. Also, what’s with the long sleeved, backless tops/body suits? What are you, a friggen ballarina? I know that’s a bit rich coming from a girl who almost exclusively wears tutu’s, but at least tutu’s serve a purpose (ie hiding my butt under layers of lovely tulle) whereas as backless body suits make your arms warm, you back cold and makes it impossible to wear a bra, which for most women is a necessity. There is no shame in wearing a long sleeved top that is whole and complete. Having random cut outs in your short-sleeved tops and body suits makes a lot of sense when the weather is hot and you need to expel as much heat as possible, but no sense at all when you’re trying to keep warm in the middle of winter.

Now this is one I’m a bit uncertain about: socks with strappy, open-toed heels. In theory it’s repulsive but when worn well it doesn’t look all that bad. But it’s a pretty hard look to get away with and most of the girls I’ve seen wearing socks and heels have gotten it completely wrong. But since I am on a roll with what not to wear in winter, I have to say that wearing airy, strappy high heels in winter is a bad idea. Adding socks to the equation is just about as bad as the hot-pants-and-ugg-boots wearers and should probably just be avoided. Let’s face it it, it’s just an updated version of one of the most elemental fashion faux pas out there and only about 2% of the people you encounter while wearing this will get that it’s a new trend and won’t snigger behind your back.  If you must wear socks with heels, you’re better off going with an enclosed shoe in my opinion (the brighter the better, of course).

There’s nothing wrong with covering up a bit now and then. If you live in Australia, particularly up here in Brisbane, you don’t get a chance to wear winter fashion for long. There is no shame in wearing jackets, long pants and thick stockings for couple of months of the year. Save the tiny shorts and midriff tops for summer where they belong and embrace winter fashion while you can!

Of all of the terrible things to see printed on t-shirts in my lifetime, I would have to say the current trend of busty, pornstar-esque models holding guns, flipping the bird or in a bathtub full of milk and froot loops are by far the worst. Have you seen them? I saw one today at one of those trashy cheap shops of a girl who looked like a skinnier, bustier version of Snooki wearing a stupid flat-brimmed cap and making some sleazy face/hand gesture. It enraged me so much, I felt like going to the shop keeper and making a complaint.

I first noticed them at City Beach which really did sum up the quality of them perfectly (ie. kind of nasty and aimed at 18 year old idiots). Then I started noticing guys actually wearing them. Sometimes while with their girlfriends! I can understand there are guys out there who are stupid and sexist enough to think it’s cool to wear an over-sexualised, trashy t-shirt featuring the kind of girl who a) would never ever hook up with them and b) give wristies to security guards to get backstage at gigs. Basically, the kind of guy who reads magazines like Zoo Weekly, Nuts or Ralph and thinks the girls are hot as and can’t ever settle for a normal girl because her boobs aren’t the size of watermelons while she’s about a size 6 everywhere else and she doesn’t wear bejeweled matching bra’s and knickers at all times. They probably also wear Lynx deodorant and expect to pull chicks like the guys in the ad’s do.

UGH! Who would want that on a t-shirt, ever? If I was the model and they chose that picture
to put on clothing, I’d be suing their arses (but then again I ain’t that kind of girl).

So, while I “get” why a guy would wear a t-shirt that tacky, I just don’t get how any girl would let their boyfriend wear a shirt like that out in public. She either has very low self-esteem, has no say in anything to do with their relationship, is really fucking dumb, or aspires to do that sort of modelling. All reasons are really bloody sad. When I see those couples, I wonder if there was any sort of discussion about it before they left the house. Did she comment on how shit it was? Did he tell her to stop being such a bitch and wear it to spite her? I can’t even imagine.

So I beg you, if you know any guys who proudly wear shirts like these, don’t turn a blind eye. Tell him exactly how you feel about that shirt so that next time he goes to put it on, he stops and considers how many people he’s offending when they see him wearing it. Maybe he’s too big a douche to care, but there’s always the chance he’ll take your advice and he’ll throw away that eyesore. And then you will have done your good deed for the year and for that many women would applaud you!

Once again I have been angered by a news article found on news.com.au (I really don’t know why I read that damn website, it send me into a furious rage almost every time I do). Today it’s about the loss of “female” skills within Gen Y. I started typing this massive rant but when it started getting a bit tl;dr I decided to cut it down as much as possible. So without further ado, here is why I think the idea of Gen Y losing these so called “female skills” is a bit of bollocks.

Yes, a lot of Gen Y females do not know how to properly hem a skirt, whip up a roast or a batch of lamingtons and aren’t probably as good at ironing and scrubbing floors as their grandmothers were. In case you missed the memo, times have changed dramatically in the last couple of decades. Women aren’t expected to stay at home and watch the kids and do all the tedious house work while hubby brings home the bacon. In fact a lot of women, even those who have kids, have to go out and work to support their families. Suddenly the typical woman doesn’t have all this “free” time on her hands because she’s out working every day, just like her partner, in order to provide a comfortable life for herself and her family.

If you want to be good at anything, you need practice, and the life of the average female these days doesn’t allow for what this article seems to think are basic female skills. Sure, it’d be nice to not have to spend $30 on getting a hem done up by a tailor and it’d be great to be able to whip up a fancy dinner every night, but most women don’t have the time for that sort of thing any more. Not every woman has the need to grow plants from cuttings and because of how cars are these days, having a manual license is not that important any more. Even if we’re shown how to do this stuff (from parents or in high school Home Economics), our lack of need to utilise these skills means we soon forget how to do them. I mean, if you live in a unit in the City, why would you need to know how to operate a whipper snipper?

Look, I think everyone, not just female, should know a lot of these basic skills. Sewing and cooking will always be invaluable, knowing how to check the car if it’s low on oil or being able to start a mower are also equally good to know. But clearly the parents of these apparently “hopeless” Gen Y’s decided these skills weren’t important enough to hand down to many of the people of my generation and so a lot of this knowledge has disappeared. As a result there are plenty of ways we can overcome the fact we lack these skills and our lives really aren’t that badly affected by it.

As it turns out, the article itself wasn’t what angered me the most, but the comments by the douchebag chauvinists commenting on it. All I’m going to say is, if you expect your girlfriend/wife to come home after a long day at work and iron your goddamn shirts then you are a pig and deserve to have that iron shoved somewhere nasty. Women shouldn’t be confined to these old-fashioned chores if they don’t want to. If a women is happy to work all day then come home to cook dinner, do the laundry and clean the house then that’s her choice. But if you expect her to do it just because it’s a “female skill” then you need to check the date and realise it’s 2011, not 1955. Likewise, if you don’t like how your wife is a stay-at-home mum and doesn’t have the house spic and span when you come home from work, perhaps you should stay home and change shitty nappies and entertain your screaming, messy whirlwinds of destruction for once and see how you feel like doing the dishes or ironing!

Personally I was brought up to learn all of these skills, and my mum still teaches me new things constantly. I have a new sewing machine which she’s giving me lessons on, I mow her lawn all the time and have fixed her mower a couple of times and thanks to her teachings I am an OK cook, even though I don’t like cooking much at all. But that’s me, and given the fact I live where I live and have an extremely busy life, I don’t need to know these things. I just choose to and that’s my right, as it is to anyone who chooses not to learn these sometimes old-fashioned and unnecessary skills.

And to conclude this rant, here is Beyonce being the damn finest housewife ever (but not being very happy about it, which is damn well fair enough):

I learned a very valuable lesson this week. While her suburb was flooded, my best friend had me look after her cat Seiko. Admittedly I was thrilled as she’s such a sweet little cat who I was very keen to cuddle as much as possible, plus I was helping out a friend in need. Getting her to my unit was tough as the nearest lift was broken so we had to go the long way to the other lifts, so by the time we got to my unit Seiko was petrified and managed to escape, which meant 10 minutes of chasing her around the building. OK so not a great start, but as my work was closed due to the floods, I had the chance to bond with the dear kitty. Except she refused to come out from under the TV cabinet until late that night when I manged to convince her to come out for  a few pats. But she was back under the cabinet the whole next day and then under my bed for a bit too. Yup, definitely not off to a good start.

Every now and then I’d get her to come out and hang with me, I’d brush her lovely long fur and she’s talk to me with her squeaky little meow’s and would follow me around the kitchen begging for tasty treats. But as soon as one of the boy’s walked in she’s go and hide again. Two days later I had to go back to work and from then on I was so busy, I was barely home, which meant Seiko basically spent the whole time under my bed. She’d only ever really venture out at night and then would drive me mad meowing and following me around the place as I got ready for bed. One morning she was meowing so much I decided I’d sleep on the couch to keep her company (admittedly this was because I knew it’d take about 45 minutes to clear the clothes off my bed and I was way too tired for that crap). But she decided my face and chest were great places to curl up which didn’t suit me very well, so I was forced to clear my bed at 5am on a Saturday morning to give us both room to sleep, but she ended up going back under my bed anyway! Thanks Seiko, thanks a lot.

So after a week with a cat, I had to come to the sad conclusion that cat’s are not for me. I have grown up with dogs all my life and the last time my family had a cat was when I was about 7 years old. My lifestyle doesn’t suit that of a affection-hungry kitty and I just felt cruel for not being able to look after her properly when she’s such a dear little thing. Also, I could not get used to all the fur, I was constantly gagging and felt like I had a nose full of it, which really sucks when you just so happen to have a  cold. Plus the fact she’s white and I wear mostly black was not a very attractive combination.

If you’re thinking of getting  a pet of any kind (let alone a cat), please do your research and if possible, spend some hardcore one-on-one time with the animal type you want to get. As Seiko had been adopted and I had been very close to adopting her myself until my friend stepped in, I would have been stuck with an adorable but totally inappropriate pet. Don’t take pet ownership lightly, that’s a little life you’re taking into custody and they deserve all the love they can get. Plus there’s the vet bills, the grooming and/or exercise, the feeding and let’s not forget the pooping! I see people haphazardly getting new pets all the time and I wonder if they considered how big a deal it is to own a pet. That’s why I don’t have one, I love animals too much and know I am not yet ready to commit to one properly (also I rent a unit in the Valley which is no place for puppies to live). Please make sure you are full prepared when the time comes to get yourself a furry little family member.

All of these adorable comics are from Cat Versus Human.

Source

I know every blogger has done this before, but usually they’re boring and full of lame advice about wearing sunscreen and drinking lots of water which you should already know. I thought I’d mix it up a bit by explaining the Dos and DON’Ts through my recent experience at Summafieldayze which took place at the Gold Coast on January 2nd.

DO: Dress appropriately
Basically you can’t wear skinny jeans to a music festival in the middle of summer. I went to my first Summafieldayze in tight jeans and Chucks and almost died from overheating/sand in my shoes. I quickly learned you need to dress light and comfortably, though don’t be a massive dag about it if you can avoid it. As tacky as they are, those fluro kids had it right with their singlets and shorts and slip on shoes. Also, don’t wear thongs when you know there’s a good chance of rain/mud. You will lose them and have to risk walking through pee later in the evening.

DON’T: Wear new shoes
My friend did this and while they looked comfortable, they gave her such bad blisters she couldn’t walk for days afterwards. Wear shoes that are well-worn and comfortable while also being disposable should you lose them in a massive mud pit. If you know it will be raining and therefore muddy, gum boots are great but make sure they fit as those suckers can cause nasty blisters.

DO: Medicate Yourself
If you suffer from any medical conditions, take what you need with you in a safe compartment of your bag and don’t rely on the ambo’s there to help you. I get migraines and only took some weak-ass pain killers with me which did bugger all when I was hit with a killer migraine of doom at the end of the night. Sitting on a bus with drunk/high festival-goers when you have a migraine blows big time, so assume the worst and take extra precautions (especially if you have a life-threatening condition, naturally).

DON’T: Forget to plan
It seems obvious, but I made this mistake very mistake the other day at Sumamfieldayze. For some reason we couldn’t find the timetable on the website so didn’t know who was on when until we got a timetable from someone else on the bus on our way there. As a result we missed one of the main acts we wanted to see because we assumed they’d be on a lot later than they actually were. We also left an hour later than we originally wanted to, and because the Gold Coast is just hopeless with organising festivals 90% of the time, it took us THREE hours to get from Surfers Paradise to the Spit, which is really only a 5-10 minute drive on a regular day. If we’d spent more time working out the plan instead of buying and consuming booze, we would have made it there a lot earlier and not had to hang around screeching morons for three too may hours. On the upside though, we managed to find someone willing to take us to the festival gates by jetski which was hilariously awesome.

DO: Drink before you get there
If you’re planning to drink at a music festival like this one, make sure you have saved your pennies. For a crazy $10.50 you can get a can of a premixed drink that is only mid-strength. Oh yes. I suggest having a few drinks before hand to get the day started and then go easy at the festival because you will send yourself broke if you try and get wasted there. Other options included getting into the VIP area which usually sells full strength drinks for less or just take drugs. Seriously, anything over $8 for a mid-strength drink is highway robbery and only encourages people to take drugs. I’m not saying I am condoning drug use, I’m just saying that for a lot of people it’s more economical to have a pill for around $30 than try and get drunk at a festival. For another perspective on this, check out this article by Sam Cleveland on The Punch.

DON’T: Rely on your phone too much
By the end of the night it’s likely you won’t be able to get reception, or like me your phone will go flat because you used it to take photos/update Facebook. If you’re worried about losing your friends, agree on a meeting point and wait there at the end of the night, or else just make your own way home. I have notoriously poor luck with mobiles at festivals, namely because friends give me their to hold which is a right pain in the butt when you end up losing them!

DO: make sure you have the next day off
I have tried to go to work the day after a big festival and it sucks. If you can do it, take the next day off work and recuperate. No one likes a hungover asshole in the office so get over your misery in the privacy of your own home and then get back to your routine the day after.

DONT: Go to a festival if it’s not your thing
I’ve gone to festivals with friends who were only going for one artist, and generally hate the style of music that dominates the day. Man it’s a massive downer. They either end up getting watsed and acting like a crazy fool and missing that one artist they came to see anyway. Or they bitch and moan about all the “losers” there, how shit the music is and what a terrible day it’s been. Nip this in the bud with a friend who’s looking at going to the next festival because they like whoever’s headlining. Remind them of all of the other acts who they hate and show them photos of patrons from previous years. Or even better, tell ‘em to get a life and stop hating so much. Both are good.

Well I had a light-hearted and entertaining post lined up for my big 2011 debut but after the series of events unfolding in Queensland (that’s the state I live in, for those who didn’t know) I thought I’d leave it for now.

I admit I was a bit blase about the floods happening up North but now they’ve demolished Toowoomba, a City that’s about two hours from Brisbane and where a lot of friends are from, I am extremely worried. There are flood warning out for the CDB and Valley (where I live) in the next few days so it’s no longer just bad news for other people, it could be bad news for me and my friends and family too.

Unfortunately I don’t have the funds available right now to make a donation, but if you do then I implore you to make a donation to help those affected by the floods. Unfortunately for most people, flood damage isn’t included in a lot of home insurance policies so these poor people will have lost everything and won’t get any compensation. Please donate whatever you can and hope that this ends soon.

If I was going to be honest I’d tell you that 2010 hasn’t been my finest year. As I said, I’ve changed jobs a lot this year with some moves being great and others being not-so-great. Recently I lost my job, a job I loved, only to find myself staying within the company and into a position that I now also enjoy. It was tough but I try not to dwell too much and move on with my life. It did help me realise I am not content with where I am in life and have vowed to do something creative, most likely graphic design, next year. So now I am saving up to do a full-time course or at least a part time one sometime in 2011.

It’s not all been bad though of course. I’ve done some good things which I am proud of. I maintained this blog all year which is a pretty big deal for someone as vague and forgetful as me. I got into nail art and got over my fear of posting photos of me wearing clothes on the internet. I am also the fittest and healthiest (and therefor, slimmest) I have been in years which is an awesome accomplishment which I plan to continue. I’ve done some dumb diets and lost weight but this is the first time I just ate healthy and exercised a lot and I am really toned and so damn healthy, it’s sickening!

I managed to go to a heap of festivals, I didn’t even let the fact two of them were on the same day up here in QLD and went on a road trip down to Sydney for Good Vibes and then got to see one of my favourite bands, Faith No More, play up in Brisbane (and I also got to meet the band Anvil who I was briefly obsessed with thanks to their doco). I also saw Lady Gaga twice in one weekend and Calvin Harris twice this year, both of whom I love very much. I also managed to run one of the biggest events in Brisbane – the Brisbane Zombie Walk. 10,000 people and $13k raised in donations later, we officially run the larehst zombie walk anywhere in the world.

OK so maybe it wasn’t that bad after all. I didn’t travel and I am still without a bangin’ career but I am working on both of those things. In fact I am working on a lot of things already, including getting more crafty with the new sewing machine my mum bought me for Christmas as well as my new found love of scrapbooking. I also intend to totally overhaul my blog soon and so some excellent things with it which I haven’t had a chance to do yet.

I wish you all a fun New Years Eve and hope 2011 is all you want it to be. Don’t forget to keep safe and if you’re heading out, be responsible and look how while doing so! (Just remember to hide the tacky plastic cups when posing for photos, as I quickly learned today. Ooops!)

For my last few days of 2010, I plan to relax a whole heap, sleep in late, catch up with old friends and then head down to the Gold Coast for some trashy NYE fun before the first festival of the new year – Summafieldayze! Catch ya’ll on the flip side!

DO THE SPEED LIMIT PAST SPEED TRAPS
My best friend had a rant to me about this the other day. People who slow down to 20km/h past police of speed traps are fucking retarded. You know you can go the speed limit, right? They ain’t gonna book you for going over 35 when the speed signs clearly say 60! It’s dumb and totally dangerous.

BE MORE AWARE OF THE PEOPLE WALKING BEHIND YOU
You might like to think you live in your own little bubble where you can do what you want without really affecting anyone. But you don’t, and stopping dead in the middle of the shopping center in front of someone who’s walking quickly is rude and totally obnoxious. This goes especially to the fools who do this while with large groups of people. Move to the side motherfuckers, I’m in a hurry!

CLEAN OUT YOUR WARDROBE
OK so this is hilarious if you know me well enough as I HATE doing this and so rarely do. But you need to get your wardrobe in order once in a while. While you may not be able to find a lot to get rid of (like me) you at least get rid of the absolute dregs and get things looking spic and span by folding everything up nicely and sorting them appropriately so you can actually start finding shit again.

BUY MORE CDs/DVDs
I know this is the age of downloading stuff but I feel way too guilty to download more than the occasional song. Sure I’ll watch it if it’s not worth going to the movies for or if it’s a new TV show that won’t be showing in Aus for ages (if ever) but overall I like buying CDs and DVDs because it gives you something to look through and shows off you unique taste when others take a squizz.

STOP LIKING EVERYTHING ON FACEBOOK
Who creates these ridiculous pages and how are there so many knobs out there who actually go and “like” them? They range from the lame, though to-the-point ones like “Chicks in glasses are sexy” right through to the plain fucking long-winded and pathetic ones like “If your makeup isn’t done your hair is a mess and your in your pjs and he still cant resist taking you into his arms, he’s a keeper”. THESE ARE ACTUALLY REAL PAGES WITH THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ON THEM, GUYS! I hate the internet so much sometimes.

DON’T RUIN STATUS UPDATES WITH INANE CHATTER
Speaking of Facebook, nothing boils my blood like those dumbasses who somehow manage to miss the 28 other comments on a status update to either ask a question that got answered in the first or second comment or else just jumps on and ask the poster a totally irrelevant question. Like one I saw about a friend who won a basketball final, some chick comes on after 10 other people have commented and says “Hey hun, what’s up, it’s been a while, txt me”. FFS it’s called an email or at the very least a fucking wall post! Way to ruin the vibe with your stupidity! Fuck I hate Facebook sometimes (aka most of the time).

STOP WASTING ENERGY
I don’t give a damn if you don’t believe in global warming (though I personally consider all global warming cynics to be massive fuckwits, FYI), wasting energy is a big NO NO. Turn the lights off when the room is not in use and use the dryer when you need something dry now, not just coz. Planet earth is a pretty neat place, and just think, the hole in the ozone layer is almost gone now because of the ban on CFCs, imagine how much better off we’d be if everyone just conserved energy and recycled more.

GET SOME REAL SKILLS
Your mum won’t be around forever (sad face) so learn some of her skills, plus a few from your dad and practice them. Knowing how to sew up a hem or check the oil in your car are amazing skills that so few people have these days. One day the mechanic or tailor won’t be there to save your arse when hems start dropping and cars start explodin’, so impress your friends by fixing it yourself!

OK that’s me for now. Sorry about the lack of blog updates, the Brisbane Zombie Walk is less than a month away and I have some blood to make for our fundraiser party tomorrow night!

PUT THE PHONE DOWN
I know we live in an age where we can do just about anything on our mobile phones, but man people take it too far. Ya know, some of us old-fashioned types still find it quite rude when you’re too busy texting or twittering or using some useless app to hold a proper conversation.

EAT HEALTHY FOOD
Eating nothing but junk all the time and making a big fuss about hating vegetables is lame. You’re an adult now so eat like one. Do you really want to die of a heart attack or colon cancer?! Those old people who eat Macca’s three time a week for all their lives  and are totally healthy are absolute freaks and you will never be like them.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD EXERCISE
Like the above, being naturally slim doesn’t mean you should be lazy. It isn’t just about losing weight, it’s about appreciating the one body you have and making it last as long as possible. If you wake up feeling like shit all the time, you need to eat a salad and go for a long walk. For real.

BUY A DECENT BRA
I know I’ve gone on about this before, but no one likes the look of double decker boobs. You’re not doing yourself any justice by cramming your melons into those teacups. Get fitted and see how great your assets really are!

SORT YOUR SHIT OUT, FINANCIALLY
So your job doesn’t pay you very well, how about you get a new one or demand a pay rise and stop boring everyone with your tales of woe. And do not expect any sympathy if you’re constantly broke and yet have enough cash to go get wasted every weekend. It makes people angry. Unless you’re a student, then that’s alright.

DO YOUR HAIR
Nothing says “I don’t care about how I look” more than going out of the house with shitty hair. If you can’t find the time to give it a blow dry or straighten it in the morning, at least tie it up nicely. I think someone’s hairstyle speaks volumes about the person. And for the love of god, if you’re going out and have a nice outfit and have put on makeup, do your fucking hair. It’s the whole package or nothing at all.

STOP SWEARING
Yeah that’s right motherfucker, I’m looking at you! I swear way too much, though I know far too many people who out-swear me constantly. Look, the F word is great at punctuating statements, but only when used sparingly. Dropping the F or C bomb more than a few times in a conversation just makes you look inarticulate and stupid. Keep swear words for when you really need ‘em and not in place of saying “um” or “like”.

STOP SAYING LIKE
Just like swearing too much, saying “like” all the time makes you look retarded. I’m shocked girls still do this, it’s not as though Clueless wasn’t released in 1995 or anything. I used to do it too much but my mum got me out of the habit by stopping me every time I said it inappropriately. If you known you use the dreaded L word too much, stop yourself every time you go to say it and think of what you’re trying to say and just say it already.

READ MORE
The film versions usually suck compared to the books anyway. And just FYI, trashy magazines and blogs do not count. Buy/borrow a book and maybe you’ll even learn something.

STOP WORRYING WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU
I know this is kind of ironic given the advice I have just dished out, but you really need to stop worrying about embarrassing yourself or making people mad by what you do, because it’s highly likely no one cares. Wear that outfit that’s way too bright, who’s going to judge you? Some arsehole stranger you’ll never meet again? Screw them! And if you like wearing ill-fitting bra’s, swearing too much and having messy hair then do it! It’s your life and I don’t care enough to judge ya anyway!