Yesterday I came to a realisation. It’s not a new one per se, but this is the first time I’ve felt so strongly about it that I wanted to blog about it. Two things made me come to this conclusion. First of all, I read this article which I thought was lovely, until I made the silly mistake of reading the comments which were mostly written by fuckwits who have no sensitivity and just like to say arsehole things to hurt people’s feelings. I then wandered into the office kitchen where I discovered a range of sweet treats that were being sold as it was Think Pink day. I absolutely couldn’t say no to the coconut ice and so took a few pieces, cursing myself in the process because I just don’t have any willpower.
But then I thought to myself? Well, why can’t I have some damn coconut ice? It’s not like I have it everyday. In fact I can’t even remember when I last had some. And then I wondered why I made it such a big deal to be able to justify a treat. My god, what’s the point of living if I can’t enjoy something delicious now and then? So I ate and I fucking enjoyed the hell out of those pieces of coconut ice, because dammit, why not?!
It suddenly dawned me that life in absolutely too short to spend it half-starving yourself and exercising for many hours a week just because you want a “perfect bod” to strut around in a swimsuit in. When you think about all of the things that life contains, how ridiculously superficial and unnecessary does it seem to waste so much of it worrying about how skinny you are? I actually feel ashamed at how much of my life I’ve dedicated to worrying about losing weight, when I could have been focusing my energy on far more fulfilling, meaningful things. I’ve wasted a huge part of my life wishing I was skinny when I should have instead appreciated the fact I’m healthy and love life.
I spent six years of my life with someone who constantly told me I needed to lose weight and made me feel awful for not being “perfect”. But now that I have moved on and finally have a boyfriend who appreciates me for me, I can now see how much I let my fear of being “fat” control me. I’m almost 30 years old, I’ll never be a waif. I’ve had big hips and a booty since I went through early puberty. I’ve been on diets where I’ve practically starved myself, only to gain any weight lost back by eating normal amount of food again.
I’ve hated on myself and bored everyone senseless with endless conversations about weight loss/gain for too long. I’m done with it. I’m sick of being jealous of girls who are slimmer than me, of wishing I could wear short shorts. Even if I was slimmer, I wouldn’t wear ugly ass denim booty shorts anyway! I’ve disrespected myself for way too long and I’m ending it now. It won’t be easy, I’ll always have moments where I’ll think negative thoughts about my body and wish I was skinny, but I’ll never let it consume me again. I’ll keep up my gym routine and maintain a balanced diet, but I won’t keep worrying that I’m not losing weight or deny myself the occasional treats.
There will be people who will think I’m being lazy and gross, or that I’m fat or that I’d be “so pretty” if I lost some weight. I’ve heard it all, and I don’t care any more. I have a loving boyfriend who loves me for me, not how pert my arse is in miniskirt or how skinny my arms are in a singlet top. Fuck that manipulative, hurtful bullshit! I’m not out to please everyone, I just want to be healthy and happy and I reckon I’m already there.