Ohhh Facebook. You’ce got to be the most boring thing on the internet and yet we’re all so horribly addicted to you. Tell me honestly, how many people do you know who does not have a Facebook page, never has, and doesn’t even have a fake one to spy on people? I know just one person (and it’s a shame because she’s a cool girl and I don’t have her phone number). How sad is that? Just about everyone we know is on Facebook. Actually I don’t think my dad is, but dad’s generally don’t count when it comes to this sort of thing.
Aside from the fact Facebook is the king of all time wasters, it’s also a total cess pit of human despair. How often do you skim through the latest friends feed and think to yourself “Oh god, just SHUT UP ALREADY!” or “Holy shit you must be the most boring person alive”. How many times have you seen a breakup unfold in status updates or realised someone you thought was pretty cool types lyk a fukhed omg LOL.
I believe there should be classes in school for internet etiquette. It’s 2011 now and we’re ALL online, from little kids all the way up to our great grandparents. And yet it seems as though all of the basic rules for existing with other humans gets thrown right out the window as soon as you’re sitting in front of a computer screen. Well, in my ideal world where people are paid to tell children how to behave in cyber space, the first and most important lesson would be FACEBOOK ETIQUETTE 101. Here are some of the most important lessons I have come up with so far:
- Learn to type. I know we can’t all be perfect at grammar and as much as it pains me to see they’re/their/there used in the wrong context, there is a far bigger problem at hand. People who can’t be bothered hitting this shift key, who use text-speak when they’re typing on a godamn keyboard and those who use terms LOL to punctuate a sentence when what they said was not even a tiny bit funny. Text speak should have gone out with the introduction of predictive text and qwerty phone keypads. It suited a time when writing the word “you” took five seconds and the letter “u” took two quick button presses. Using letters instead of words, abbreviating the shit out of everything and generally making everything you say unintelligible to most is so hideously daggy. A bit of correct spelling, grammar, and the occasional capital letter will always go a long way in most peoples books.
- Stop airing your dirty laundry in status updates. OK so you had a fight with your boyfriend, best friend, work mate or whoever. Of course you want to write bitchy, vague things all over the internet to show them how much they’ve hurt you or pissed you off. But it’s pathetic. I say this as someone who has been a culprit of it more than a few times. No one likes a vague status update, and especially not a whiney, woe-is-me one. If you’re fighting with someone, keep the fight in private, where it belongs. And if you really need to vent, that’s what best friends and ice cream are for, dammit.
- Post some damn captions! When you’re on a mad Youtube video posting rampage, please make the effort to mention why you’re posting the video. I don’t know what to expect when you post the video and nothing else, and quite frankly, nor do I care to find out. Even if it’s just something along the lines of “This is Amazing” or “HAHAHA”, give us SOMETHING!
- Stop “Like”ing everything. FUCK ME DEAD! This is the bane of my life when it comes to Facebook. Certain friends and family members keep liking every shitty Facebook group there possibly is. Can’t you just think a thought without having to make a page about it? I can’t even comprehend how shit some of them are. I knew people were dumb on the internet but damn this shit is scary-dumb. I shall share with you some examples of the most recent ones I have witnessed (to prove that these really do exist, I even added links):
- Slugs are snails that sold their house for drug money
- Wow your fake tan looks proper natural.. LOL jk u fukin mango
- Pre-drinking so hard you dont even make it out
- Luring sluts into your bedroom with a trail of Supré vouchers (ummmm what????)
- And by “k” I mean “fuck you”
- Don’t tag ugly photos. Man oh man some people are inconsiderate jerks. Why would you ever post a photo of a friend where they look like total arse? The only reason I can think of, is to make yourself look/feel better. And that makes you a shitty friend. I am against the idea of posting any bad photos of friends, but I’m always getting tagged in trash bag photos of myself (like the one time, while dressed like a chav, I fell into a bag of rubbish outside a hostel in London, I mean c’mon). If the photo is ugly as hell, have some consideration and don’t post it. IF you just have to upload it though, show some decency and don’t tag the ugly offender in it, I’m begging you!
- Don’t pick fights or be excessively obnoxious in comment threads. OK so this is tolerable to an extent. But when the original poster is clearly getting the shits and you keep egging them on and starting new arguments and being a prick, you need to stop. Do you do that shit in real life? If you do, then how the hell do you have any friends at all??? You’re just being an arsehole to someone you must like enough to have on your friends list so back the fuck up and let them have their rant without getting all up in their face about how much you disagree with them.
- Stop posting baby photos! Argh man, I am so over this. Look, I like kids and do find baby photos kind of cute. But you are NOT YOUR BABY! Don’t use a photo of your child as you profile picture. I’m sorry, but I want to see what my friends are up to, not how their kid looks in EXTREME CLOSE UP or in the bath. I know it’s your pride and joy, but you’re kidding yourself if anyone else (aside from like-minded parents who do the same thing) think it’s cute. Try having a photo taken of yourself WITH your child for once and leave the baby snaps for family get togethers. This also applies to photos of your ultrasound or of your pregnant belly.
- Speaking of profile photos, start posting good ones! OK so I know ya’ll can’t look as fabulous as me all the time *cough* but have some dignity and post half decent photos of yourself. This especially applies to guys. No, you don’t have to make a stupid face in every photo. No one will think you’re “gay” for smiling at the camera for once. Also, posing for photos with your attractive female friends doesn’t fool anyone either, guys. We don’t think you’re some amazing chick magnet, you obviously just have some hot friends. And for the ladies, you can stop posting group photos, so that we might accidentally mistake you for the hot one, because we can just refer to other photos to work out you’re really just the plain one hovering in the background.
- Stop being so down all the time. I admit I can be kind of guilty of this. I love to complain about stuff, and I often do so on Facebook. But I try to liven things up a bit with something funny or by using my excellent wit to make a whiney comment kind of funny. Chances are you’re just a friend of a friend I met at a party once, or someone I went to school with 15 years ago. If you’re going to be so damn moody/boring, I will never ever want to see you in real life again because I can only assume you’re a miserable sack of crap. Lighten up, it’s only the internet!
I know I have only just scratched the surface on this, so please feel free to share with me your own personal Facebook-related gripes and let us all wallow in self-pity knowing that we are all guilty of much of what we hate most about Facebook :D