Take Some More Advice

What can I say, I liked the smaller and more refined rants that this format has to offer, so I thought I’d do it again!

DO THE SPEED LIMIT PAST SPEED TRAPS
My best friend had a rant to me about this the other day. People who slow down to 20km/h past police of speed traps are fucking retarded. You know you can go the speed limit, right? They ain’t gonna book you for going over 35 when the speed signs clearly say 60! It’s dumb and totally dangerous.

BE MORE AWARE OF THE PEOPLE WALKING BEHIND YOU
You might like to think you live in your own little bubble where you can do what you want without really affecting anyone. But you don’t, and stopping dead in the middle of the shopping center in front of someone who’s walking quickly is rude and totally obnoxious. This goes especially to the fools who do this while with large groups of people. Move to the side motherfuckers, I’m in a hurry!

CLEAN OUT YOUR WARDROBE
OK so this is hilarious if you know me well enough as I HATE doing this and so rarely do. But you need to get your wardrobe in order once in a while. While you may not be able to find a lot to get rid of (like me) you at least get rid of the absolute dregs and get things looking spic and span by folding everything up nicely and sorting them appropriately so you can actually start finding shit again.

BUY MORE CDs/DVDs
I know this is the age of downloading stuff but I feel way too guilty to download more than the occasional song. Sure I’ll watch it if it’s not worth going to the movies for or if it’s a new TV show that won’t be showing in Aus for ages (if ever) but overall I like buying CDs and DVDs because it gives you something to look through and shows off you unique taste when others take a squizz.

STOP LIKING EVERYTHING ON FACEBOOK
Who creates these ridiculous pages and how are there so many knobs out there who actually go and “like” them? They range from the lame, though to-the-point ones like “Chicks in glasses are sexy” right through to the plain fucking long-winded and pathetic ones like “If your makeup isn’t done your hair is a mess and your in your pjs and he still cant resist taking you into his arms, he’s a keeper”. THESE ARE ACTUALLY REAL PAGES WITH THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ON THEM, GUYS! I hate the internet so much sometimes.

DON’T RUIN STATUS UPDATES WITH INANE CHATTER
Speaking of Facebook, nothing boils my blood like those dumbasses who somehow manage to miss the 28 other comments on a status update to either ask a question that got answered in the first or second comment or else just jumps on and ask the poster a totally irrelevant question. Like one I saw about a friend who won a basketball final, some chick comes on after 10 other people have commented and says “Hey hun, what’s up, it’s been a while, txt me”. FFS it’s called an email or at the very least a fucking wall post! Way to ruin the vibe with your stupidity! Fuck I hate Facebook sometimes (aka most of the time).

STOP WASTING ENERGY
I don’t give a damn if you don’t believe in global warming (though I personally consider all global warming cynics to be massive fuckwits, FYI), wasting energy is a big NO NO. Turn the lights off when the room is not in use and use the dryer when you need something dry now, not just coz. Planet earth is a pretty neat place, and just think, the hole in the ozone layer is almost gone now because of the ban on CFCs, imagine how much better off we’d be if everyone just conserved energy and recycled more.

GET SOME REAL SKILLS
Your mum won’t be around forever (sad face) so learn some of her skills, plus a few from your dad and practice them. Knowing how to sew up a hem or check the oil in your car are amazing skills that so few people have these days. One day the mechanic or tailor won’t be there to save your arse when hems start dropping and cars start explodin’, so impress your friends by fixing it yourself!

OK that’s me for now. Sorry about the lack of blog updates, the Brisbane Zombie Walk is less than a month away and I have some blood to make for our fundraiser party tomorrow night!

I love my pookie!

LABIAPLASTY HUNGRY BEAST: EP 14 from HUNGRY BEAST on Vimeo.

Please note, the above video is NSFW and contains lots of close up shots of female genitalia and frank discussions about vaginas and how they’re depicted in the media.

Now that you’ve watched the video, how do you feel? I hope you feel outraged, regardless of your gender or your thoughts on pornography or anything relating to the female reproductive area. I hope that you understood the point of this video and feel as horrified as I do about how a normal vagina is considered unattractive or too vulgar if shown in its full glory. So much so it has to be chopped up (both literally and figuratively) to look nice and acceptable in soft porn magazines. Well, as far as the Classification board is concerned, anyway!

I will admit right now, and I am not proud of this, but I had given thought to getting a designer vagina. I don’t know why, possibly just because it sounds so cool: designer vagina. But after watching that video I am just aghast that having a bit of flesh poking out down there is considered obscene enough to have to hide. No wonder women have shitty self esteems about their bodies these days, no wonder so many men have these ridiculous expectations of how a women is meant to look… look at what imagery we’re constantly being bombarded with about what the ideal female body is “supposed” to look like. And yet I am shocked to realise it’s not even the media who’s really at fault, it’s bloody censorship! How dare a bunch of prudish arseholes who probably haven’t had a leg over in years, tell me my pookie is disgusting and ought to be concealed within my labia majora?!

After watching that video though, I also feel liberated! Here I was thinking my girl down there was a bit too much of an outie but in actual fact she’s a cute little thing that other women might even be envious of (until they saw this video of course, because then they’d appreciate their own for being unique and lovely, just as it is). So as much as I like to say designer vagina, I will never ever get myself “fixed” up down there because it’s mine and it’s beautiful just as she is!

My Pet Hates aka Cinema Etiquette 101

I am opposed to downloading movies. Not just because it’s illegal and stops Tom Cruise from getting millions of dollars that he really doesn’t deserve, but because this new phenomena of being able to download movies the minute they’re released now means cinemas are packed full of the idiots who lack the intelligence to download movies or just have nothing better to do. I admit I still go to the cinemas to see movies because I like seeing movies on the big screen with good surround sound. While we have a projector at home with an OK sound set up, District 9 kicked about 10,000x more arse when I saw it at the movies. I also enjoy getting out of the house now and then and very much love cinema popcorn and frozen soft drinks. But sadly, despite the numerous episodes of Seinfeld that taught so many people the basic etiquette of going to the movies, people become massive douchebag’s when they go to the movies. Here are my tips for a better movie-going experience:

OPEN PACKETS DURING THE TRAILERS
This should be a no-brainer but I am always missing important parts of movies because someone decides to tear open a packet of malteasers during a quiet or tense part of the film. And it’s never a clean tear, it involves a lot of plastic bag wrinkling and commotion and then the inevitable “hand is too big for the opening so instead of shaking the foods into my hand I’m just gonna cram my hand in there, rustle and scrunch the plastic as my fat hand tries to grab as big a handful as possible and generally make more noise than a Boeing 747”.

BE POPCORN AWARE
OK so I know popcorn is not exactly a quiet snack and I also know that it’s crazily addictive and you can’t just eat one piece at a time, you just have to shovel it in like you’re getting paid for it. But you don’t have to scratch around for a handful of popcorn for three minutes, only to come away with six pieces and a heap of unpopped kernels to show for it. Grab the damn handful in one swoop without shifting all the popcorn around the box and getting your grubby fingers all over the goods. Whether your hand is in there for one second or five minutes, you’re going to come away with the same amount so do it quietly and quickly, please!

WHISPER, BUT NOT TOO OFTEN
I am the worst for wanting to talk during movies, but as I am in a big room full of people who paid good money to watch the same film as me, I bite my tongue and make sure to whisper very quietly if I absolutely have to say something. Shame so few pay this common courtesy back though! Whatever possesses people to have conversations about what’s happening in the film (or sometimes whatever the hell else they have to talk about) in normal voices or in half-arsed whispers that are about half a decibel lower than their normal outdoors voice and then have the audacity to get the shits when I turn around and tell them to pipe down… I just do not know. Save the commentary for when you buy the DVD and take the hint when half the cinemas is turning around and glaring at you.

DON’T CLAP
Have you ever gone and seen a movie and had wankers start clapping at the end? WHAT THE HELL? What, did the director walk in while I wasn’t looking? Is this the film premiere that I inadvertently walked into? No? Then stop clapping. I don’t know why I take such offense to this but I seem to hate clapping in general since it’s not warranted 95% of the time. Especially at the movies.

DON’T RUSH FOR THE EXIT
Have you noticed how everyone decides they will leave the moment the credits appear in a vain attempt to beat everyone else at leaving the cinema? Have you also noticed how this never works and you have a traffic jam down the aisles (where assholes won’t let you out of your row) and everyone ends up leaving at the exact same time in a slow shuffle? Yeah, thought so.

PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE DOWN
If the movie is that boring, fuck off already. Sitting there, texting on your phone so that everyone around you is blinded and/or distracted by the bright light from your screen is rude and obnoxious as hell. I know I am totally a value-for-money kinda gal, so will stay and watch a movie all the way through to make my $16 worthwhile, but if you tear away your eyes from your douchey bloody iPhone for two hours, you need help yo!

These really are the basics and I could go on and on. God only knows why I bother going to the movies considering how annoying the general public are. It’s like some people just become massive fuckwits as soon as they walk into a movie theatre. I mean really, do you need to wrap your chip packet back up every single time to get a chip out, so that you have to unwrap it a minute later to get the next one??? Can you honestly not tell your friend to shut up and stop asking so many stupid, loud questions? It seems to me these things seem pretty straight forward, but I guess it’s like how you instantly become a dumb arse as soon as you’re a customer, people just seem to lose their shit the moment then walk into the cinemas.

And thus concludes my random, angry rant for the week!

Nailin’ It – Dark Silver Bling Bling

Time for my new nails! There’s a little bit of a back story to these ones so indulge me for a minute while I explain. When I got my nails done last week I was in a foul mood after a bit of an argument with Mean Old Mister Scales. I was just feeling rotten so when it came time to pick the colour I wanted to get, I chose the dark grey/silver colour you see as the base. It was absolutely not the colour I had in mind earlier that day so I had no longer had any plans of what to do to glitz them up at home. Fortunately I had this awesome thick, silver glitter that I’d only ever used once before which suited this colour perfectly! I came up with this idea after my last blue glitter/diamante nails and while it means  having similar nails twice in a row, they do look pretty damn great this way!

Check out the knuckle damage from boxing tonight!

Now I have had had a bit of practice and found the best top coat in the world (Revitanail, FYI) I am going to start experimenting with bigger jewels and even fancier designs! Maybe I do have a calling after all – nail art! Nah not really, but it is fun.

Meanwhile I am really looking forward to watching this film. I daresay there will be laughs and maybe even tears. Poor JCVD. (Ignore the damn sticker that refused to budge. (Thanks a lot Cash Converters, I didn’t want to see any part of the cover of my DVD anyway!)