24
May
Posted by Cara » 21 Comments »

Bear Grylls: KILLER!

Anyone who knows me in real life has very probably heard one of my Bear Grylls rants. They usually happen on a Monday night or Tuesday morning after the show has aired in Australia on Monday evening. Let me get this out, loud and clear, so no one has any misunderstandings: I FUCKING HATE BEAR GRYLLS!

It’s become apparent that most people who know of Bear Grylls think he’s fucking awesome. Well I am here to not only tell you that he is not but to also explain why. I hate the man so passionately that whenever someone says “Hey did you see ‘Man vs Wild’ last night?” I have to use every ounce of my self-control not to slap them in the face. I will however, let them know exactly how I feel about the show and the stupid dickwad who hosts it until I am shaking with rage.

So why do I hate him so much? Aside from the fact he has possibly the worlds most annoying accent and tries to get all Steve-Irwin-excited except with less amusement? Aside from the fact his show his a crock of shit? OK well how about how the motherfucker kills animals for ENTERTAINMENT. You heard me, enter-fucking-tainment! There’s no other way around it, people watch the show with the expectation that he will do something gross like drink muddy water or his own pee, or more importantly, kill an animal for food. What’s wrong with that, you might ask? EVERYTHING! I know animals are killed for food all over the world each and every day, I am not naive and nor am I even a vegetarian so it’s not as if I can get all morally-righteous about how meat is murder. But the simple fact is, he kills animals for his TV show because that’s what his brain-damaged target audience want, and so he delivers.

I get into the same argument about this every time I start ranting about Bear Grylls so let me just say this: This show is not about teaching people how to survive in tough locations. It is entertainment, pure and simple. If you think that after watching a bunch of his shows, you could be left alone in a Siberian wasteland and last more than a day then you’re fucking retarded! You’re going to remember all of the things a trained mercenary taught you in an hour TV show, are you? Get fucking real! You ain’t going to remember shit and you know it, dick bag. If you find your arse stranded in the amazon goddamn jungle, you probably did some fucked up shit and deserve to be eaten by piranhas or a boa constrictor within the first hour. Who the HELL finds themselves in those situations? Explorers? Adventurers? Indiana Jones, maybe? Not you, that’s for damn sure!

And then there’s the stupid belief he is actually surviving. OK guys so how’s the show being filmed? Ain’t by hand held camera! He has at least two camera guys with him, based on the different camera angles you see in the show. And that’s not including the people in the helicopters who do those impressive, sweeping shots of him while he’s supposedly “on his own in the wilderness”. Bollocks! Those camera people ain’t “surviving” with him which means they’re probably carrying food with them. Which means Bear Grylls doesn’t have to drink rancid water that camels have pooped in, nor does he need to eat anything he finds with a heartbeat. He could always point at a non-poisonous frog and say “If you were desperate, this type of frog would be edible” (not that it matters since you wouldn’t remember anyway and would most likely end up eating a poisonous toad by mistake) instead of then having to go kill it for the viewing pleasure of his deranged fan base with their insatiable blood lust.

Which brings me to my next point, which fills me with the kind of uncontrollable rage. Killing animals for entertainment. I’ve now established he’s not teaching people how to survive but rather showing off how fancy his SAS training is. I’ve also proven that he’s not actually surviving at all because he has a fucking camera crew with him and no one on earth is crazy enough to eat/drink the stupid shit he does so they’ve clearly got packed lunches in the backpacks and camera bags. These two facts therefore negate all need to kill any of the animals he so callously slaughters, because he doesn’t need the food and not one person watching the show will ever find themselves in a position where killing and eating a massive tarantula will be the difference between life and death. As far as I am concerned, he just enjoys killing animals and ensuring high ratings by eating them LIVE or in the nastiest way possible. You know what dude? Kill the damn animal first if you must eat it. Biting the head off a live snake is not only unnecessary and clearly dangerous, it’s also CRUEL!

If you still think he’s great, that his show really is about teaching people how to survive in inhospitable locations (and actually think you could do any of the stuff he does), that he genuinely is trying to survive in the wilderness and that the animals he kills are a necessary part of his survival, then fine. Just don’t talk about the douchebag to me, lest you wish to feel my fiery wrath. I can’t help you if you’re really that stupid, so just keep all mentions of “Man vs Wild” or Bear Grylls at least 100 meters away from me at all times.

Twitt
  • V.

    i'd never heard of the guy so i looked him up, the discovery channel site for the show clearly states that he has a team of stunt men with him, a team, not just 1 or 2 but a team.
    it also says all the scenarios are fake dramatized situations created by the producers and not to attempt what he does in the show and if you find yourself in similar situations to call 911.
    so yep he pretty much kills for entertainment.

    side note, when you post your blog post on lj they never allow commenting. -v

  • http://www.rubyvelour.com/ Ruby Velour

    Thanks for that! I didn't even bother looking him up beyong a quick glance at his page on wikipedia. So it's good to know they've confirmed all my theories like that. I should be pleased but am really just a whole lot angrier, actually. Killing animals for entertainment is wrong.

    Yeah I kind of wnat people to comment here as opposed to on my LJ. I know it's a pain but it's just easier to have all the comments in the same place :)

  • http://folklorebeauty.com/blog/ Jess

    This is why I don't have a TV!
    (I actually had no idea what you were talking about without looking up stuff on wikipedia)

  • Cooter Burger

    I'd love to see Bear Grylls kill you for entertainment. He wouldn't even have to eat you either.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brock.calcutt Brock

    Look, I know that because of your predisposition you're going to hate me for even disagreeing, but seriously, who the fuck do you think you are? (I realise this is your website and you'll probably just delete this anyway, but whatever. You're opinionated and so am I).
    The first thing is, you state “I am not naive and nor am I even a vegetarian so it’s not as if I can get all morally-righteous about how meat is murder.” Really, you should've stopped right there. If you pay to eat food that is made out of an animal, then you're honestly no better than he – except that he does the dirty work himself. If you eat a steak, then somewhere, someone is being paid to kill the animal, cut it up, package it, and drop it off to your local supermarket. Do you buy meat products, take them home, cook them up in a room yourself and eat them all by yourself? No? Then your argument against “killing for entertainment” is obviously pretty hypocritical. You're against the idea of someone eating an animal for a tv audience, but you'll still openly eat an animal in front of an audience of your friends or family?… Okay.
    You go on to make broad sweeping generalisations like “If you find your arse stranded in the amazon goddamn jungle, you probably did some fucked up shit and deserve to be eaten by piranhas or a boa constrictor within the first hour. Who the HELL finds themselves in those situations? Explorers? Adventurers? Indiana Jones, maybe? Not you, that’s for damn sure!”
    Yeah.. because nobody has ever found themselves in a fucked up situation like that except for movie stars and tv show characters right? I realise that the chances of that happening to an arrogant, opinionated hipster from Brisbane like yourself have to be extremely low, but nothing is impossible. Lets just hope you're never in the position of having to eat an animal for survival, instead of on a nice plate in a restaurant.
    You frequently mention that Bear Grylls isn't teaching people how to survive – even though he is. You're taught in primary school that a human needs food for survival, and Bear Grylls is simply demonstrating this in a different environment, first hand. Call it the “insatiable blood lust” of the viewer if you must, but we've already been through this – you eat animals in front of people too.
    I know you “didn't even bother looking him up beyong a quick glance at his page on wikipedia”, but if you did, you would've seen that most of the time (yes, he does admit that at times he is given dietary supplements by his crew), he actually does eat the animals for survival.
    “He could always point at a non-poisonous frog and say “If you were desperate, this type of frog would be edible””. If you watched more than one or two episodes of the show, you would've noticed that he doesn't always opt to eat an animal, and quite regularly chooses to eat the native flora (that's plant life) instead. But I guess that making hysteric and factually erroneous generalistions pleases your obviously uninformed followers more.
    I'm not trying to defend Bear Grylls specifically, or any type of animal cruelty, I'm the kind of person that cringes at the thought of eating a bloody, uncooked animal – I just think this is a hypocritical and bullshit article.
    Again, I know that this is your website and you'll probably delete my comment because I disagree with you, but I hope you don't, for the sake of argument.
    Oh and you might want to get someone to proof read this shit before you post it, because some of that is just embarrassingly written lol.

  • http://www.rubyvelour.com/ Ruby Velour

    I ain't going to delete your comment because I actually like to see people disagree with what I say. I don’t rant and carry on and then sit back and wait for everyone to go about agreeing with me. What’s the point of being opinionated if you expect everyone to have the exact same opinion as you???
    First off, you ARE defending Bear Grylls, so stop pretending you’re not. You’re a dude who thinks a guy like him is totally awesome and you know what? Fair enough! I don’t hate people for liking that show, I just hate the fact people seem to think he’s actually teaching valuable advice when in reality it’s just pure entertainment. I disagree with the killing of animals for entertainment, and yes I know the moral dilemma of not being a vegetarian while being an animal lover who cries for the flights of her four-legged counterparts (that’s a personal battle that I have not yet won). But my eating a piece of meat that I didn’t kill myself in front of someone else ain’t “killing for entertainment”. How the hell does that even compare? I don’t make a big spectacle about eating the meat raw of juggling it before I consume it, and believe me no one is watching me while I eat, so how can you compare me eating a lamp chop to him biting the head off a live snake in front of a camera crew?
    I did do a little bit of research on him after writing this, in case people did get all up in my face about hating him and I did learn that they’ve had to put disclaimers advising everyone that they should never attempt any of the things he does on his show and that yes, he does have a crew with him which means that if he didn’t find enough animals or plants to chew on, he’d have a range of foods to sustain himself. Which means he’s not really “surviving” at all and any advice he’s giving his viewers is meant to be disregarded entirely! Makes it all seem so worthwhile, huh?
    So thanks for your objections but I still stand by my theory he is a total twat and his show is complete shit. I’ll never watch it, even if he never killed an animal on it again, for his stupid accent and pain-in-the-arse, worse-than-Steve-Irwin enthusiasm alone.

  • http://www.rubyvelour.com/ Ruby Velour

    BRING IT ON!

  • Caboolturescumbag

    you fucken jumped up mole… i wish he would kill and eat you…. you sound like you chewed your tampon into a thousand pieces writing this shit…….i hope you get toxic shock and die from it….. you are hot tho, i would definetly h8 fuck you……

  • Kate

    Ahhh, the quality written word of someone from Caboolture. Go shoot some poor defenseless Koala or hijack a car. Isn't that what you bogans do up there?

  • Benson82

    Wow. I have not discovered someone quite so idiotic as yourself in a long while. You have an uninformed, under educated pigeon hole of a mind, terrible grammar skills and a generally all round poor attitude of negativity. Let alone your ‘Alternative Emo styling cue’ that lacks any originality or self definition. Grow up looser.

  • http://www.rubyvelour.com/ Ruby Velour

    Haha, really? Is this for real? You’re daring to criticise MY grammar when your entire comment looks like it was written by a 13 year old German exchange student? I’m not sure what “alternative emo styling cue” actually means but if you’re accusing me of having an alternative “emo” style then yes, you’re right. And I’m not ashamed of that, as a matter of fact.

    For future reference, if you’re going to call me a loser, please try and spell it properly. It’s hard to be offended by someone who can’t even get a basic insult right.

  • women’s rights??

    wow. go back to the kitchen and make me a sammich

  • F.U. RUBY VELOUR

    Aren’t the tattoos, the red streak and the piercings enough to attract attention to yourself? I mean that’s what they’re for? right?
    You’re an idiot, go beg for attention somewhere else.

  • http://www.rubyvelour.com/ Ruby Velour

    a) It’s pink, not red. Me thinks someone needs their eyes checked for colour blindness.
    b) yes I do get attention for having pink hair and tattoos (don’t really have piercings any more) and no, I don’t mind it. That;’s not why I have them though, I love the colour pink and adore tattoos so I got them for me, not to get attention.
    c) are you able to clarify what this has to do with my hating Bear Grylls?

  • Scotty1972

    Right on Ruby !!!!!!!!!!!!
    I can’t even begin to express my sheer hatred for this dweeb that was CLEARLY made fun of & beat up on a daily basis all through high school. The dude must have a 2″ dick !

    Really Bear; you were sincerely so hungry you had to take a big ‘ole bite out of a fish that was very much alive ? LOL, is that right ?
    ANYBODY that falls for this bullshit must’ve bumped their heads awful fucking hard.
    And just to be fair, this trash TV is certainly not the “work” of Grils alone……he doesn’t even start to have the brain power it takes.
    The pin dicks & stretched out cunts sitting up on the executive floor of Discovery are more at fault than anyone this terrible prime time programing is beamed from coast to coast.

  • http://www.acousticmotorbike.com Aidan

    It’s well know fact that he stays in hotels when he’s “surviving”, there are some great parodies on YouTube.

  • Killer

    those animals asked for it! If I were an animal, I’d like to be killed by that guy!

  • beargryllslover

    fuck u bitch 

  • Born wobbly

    Ok Bear grylls what a man,  over here in uk he has the show Bear Grylls born survivor he has a huge fan base because its so obvious that all the dangers he highlights can happen to you.. yes you, yes im talking to you  mr joe average bear grylls lover there you are sitting on your sofa and woosh next thing in the wilderness surrounded by things like hmm women maybe what the hell do you do… dont ask Bear he is busy biting the heads of kittens or something… Bear Grylls Born wanker more like..  SAS lol SAS reserves he sleeps in hotels but he does like jumping.. no no not women.. off things or out of things shame he dont jump outa uk

  • James Hunkorama Dickleberry

    People only visit this site in the hope they will see you naked, no one cares about your thoughts on bear grylls

  • Roller

    Hi from Canada, Ruby! you are right on the money when it comes to that annoying clown Bear Grylls. Like many Australian women, you are as intelligent and feisty as you are beautiful!